Too Busy to Stay Sane

I held onto the anger about my daughter’s friend not helping us out with rides for about 2 weeks. I just couldn’t let it go no matter how hard I tried. I asked my doctor if this trait was part of my bipolar and she said no, that my personality has OCD tendencies and gets fixated on things that will only get better with the passing of time. She’s right because I’m pretty much over it now. I still think they are crappy for leaving us out of the carpooling situation, but I’m not so mad anymore. 

Turns out I am being too hard on myself again. Way back when I journaled about not negatively judging myself so much and I did well with it for a short time, but I am back to doing it very harshly again and my self esteem is very low because of it. 

This has been a cruddy week because I haven’t had a chance to recover from being out of town for three days last weekend and I’ve had extra stuff to do plus my husband’s stuff to do because he’s been sick the last three days. I completely lost it today when he played the martyr card for being sick because he thought I was mad at him for being sick when I was really just being a bit crabby because I was stressed, which I told him I was stressed, so it’s not like I was expecting him to read my mind. He thought I was yelling at him. I was just crabbing.  But, when he accused me of yelling at him and said nastily he was sorry for being sick then I did start yelling at him. It wasn’t fun. 

I hate being stretched so thin. It makes me feel insane and so overwhelmed that I fantasize about suicide.  Crazy, but true.  Never would I do anything, but the thoughts are still there.  

Don’t have much going on tomorrow, so hoping for a day to rest up even though there are so many chores to do that have been neglected this week. Need three or four days of nothing to get back to healthy.  Not sure if that’s going to happen anytime soon. 

Choice is a Luxury

Seahorse memories
flood the ocean floor
on this, the day,
you died of depression.

Some say you
had a choice
like if you wanted
fries with that,
or not.

Choice is a luxury of the sane.

You no more chose this
than your blue eyes.

Nature is an ass-biting bitch,
and powerful,
especially over a mind
that has left;

a “not in their right mind”
kind of mind.

You didn’t do anything.
This happened to you,
but you know all of this already,
don’t you?