Choosing to Love or Hate Yourself

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I have been really busy the past week.  My youngest was home from school for three days, then we went out of town all weekend.  Next, my older one was home yesterday and again today due to an injury.

All of these things are out of the ordinary; out of my normal routine, but I think I have handled them fairly well.  I ran errands with my youngest on her days off and I was anxious  doing that, like I always am.  I took an Ativan for anxiety each day we were out of town, like I always do.  I was anxious and worried about my daughter’s injury, like any parent would be, until I found out it wasn’t serious.

Everything is status quo.

Is that acceptable to me?  Do I want to change my anxiety level when I have to run errands or go out of town?  Sure I do.  Can I?  I don’t know.  I’m working on the self-talk, but it only goes so far.

I wear out easily when I have to do all the things I have done in the last week.  I can choose to accept this or fight it.  I can choose to be easy on myself because of it or hate myself for it.  It is a choice.

This is where the true self-talk comes in; the self-talk that leads to depression or keeps me stable; the self-talk my doctor challenged me to pay close attention to.

I choose acceptance.  I choose self-compassion.  I choose to love myself how I am, where I am, independent of what I can or cannot do.  Doing is not a criteria on which to base my self-worth.  I am inherently worthy.  And so are you.

Medication Update

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I tried cutting my Adderall down to 2.5mg in the afternoon and I got too exhausted and nonfunctional.  So, I am going to stick with the 5mg (and my normal 10mg in the morning) for now.

I am putting a call into the neurologist today because the 120mg of propranolol did not decrease my migraines this month.  I expect he will bump it up to 180mg now.

I started on a new medication  six days ago called spironolactone for some acne issues I’ve been dealing with for the last few years since my hormones changed.  Both the propranolol and spironolactone lower blood pressure and raise potassium levels so I have to be careful; watch for signs of dizziness, etc. and get my blood drawn in a month to check my potassium levels because apparently it can be really dangerous if they are too high.

Meditation Update

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I’ve still been doing my breathing meditation three times a week on average.  It is becoming easier to focus on just my breathing, but my mind still wanders some.  It is very relaxing and I do enjoy it.  The ten minutes go by very quickly.  Every so often I surprise myself and have the attention and desire to do it for twenty minutes.  It feels really good to get out of my head for a short time.  You should try it if you can.

 

 

Migraine Depression

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As you can see from my recent poem post, I had an excruciating migraine yesterday.  It was so painful I had to fight suicidal urges.  I cried and sobbed at the hours they rob me of each day I have one.  I begged and screamed at a God, who won’t cure me of them.

I am feeling better today.  It is gone, but the fear of the next one is constantly there.  The increased dose of propranolol is causing me to get poor sleep which I think is what is triggering the migraines, which is ironic since the propranolol is what is supposed to be preventing them.

I have had more migraines than usual this month and the month’s not even over yet.  I am not sure whether to wait another ten days when the propranolol’s dose is increased again or call my doctor now.

I’ve read the sleep problems are temporary.  I have decided to cut my second Adderall dose from 10 mg to 5 mg to help me sleep.  I was going to cut out my daily nap as well, but I was so tired this morning that I already failed that goal.

I have been doing the breathing meditation my doctor recommended for at least ten minutes a day for the last five out of six days, and it has helped me feel calmer and more compassionate toward others.  That was a nice surprise.

Right now, I am just so traumatized by the migraine I had yesterday that I can’t seem to reach any sort of peace of mind.  I feel like my husband thinks I am nuts because I got so upset and emotional about it last night, but I am really becoming hopeless.

I am thankful that even though it feels like I am dying and even though I want to die, at least I am not dying.  That would not be a good thing for my family.  I know they need me and want me around.  It is why I am still here.

Photo credit: Avenue G via Foter.com / CC BY