Fear – Enough is Enough

I am by nature a highly sensitive person. Feeling emotions strongly.  Expressing them intensely.  Yelling and cursing.  Sobbing and lamenting.  I never seem to feel exaggerated positive emotions however. Mostly anger and fear, which are really the same thing. And sadness.

The anxiety. Panic attacks – the return of them is new, recent, worrisome.  Two in December (one in church and one in bakery.) And one in January in the grocery store. It’s another emotion that has become out of control. 

I have a hard time holding in the expressing of these emotions, especially the anger. Little impulse control. I blame the bipolar disorder.  This all has been going on since October now.  Four months. 

I give into the crying completely. It mostly comes from fear as well. Fear of losing relationships. Happens after fighting with husband or daughter. Fear of abandonment. 

Anxiety – fear.  Crying – fear.  Anger – fear.  Why is my life run by fear and how can I get rid of it?

Something keeps telling me to go back to counseling, but I’m so hesitant. Fear. Fear it won’t help. Fear I don’t really need it. Fear of not finding the right therapist and me wasting my money. Fear it will be a waste of time because things will just get better on their own. Fear that all I need is a medication adjustment. 

Mostly fear it won’t help or that it’s not needed. That I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I’m invalidating myself. I see that. I hear it. 

I have a lot of fear. That is just a fact. It is causing me excessive anxiety, panic attacks, anger, sadness, and crying spells.

I will tell my doctor about it next week and get her opinion on what to do. It’s insane for me to suffer with these symptoms without trying to do something to get rid of them.  

Enough is enough.

Worst Panic Attack Ever

Last weekend I was at a crowded sports tournament for 10 hours then came home and went to a crowded grocery store with my husband.  By the time we got to the last isle my panic attack started. Racing heart. Difficulty breathing. Tunnel vision.

People were flying by me with carts every where. I felt like I couldn’t stay out of the way. I thought I was going to die. I smashed my self up against the freezer case, face first, and I think, closed my eyes even. I must have looked like a lunatic. 

By the time we checked out, bagged up, and got out into the parking lot I felt as though I wasn’t breathing at all and my vision started to black over. I felt my eyes close and my feet cross over one another as I was walking toward the car.  I leaned to the right and caught my balance. 

I forced my eyes open and again blackness came over and then I felt my legs give out on me. I went down, felt my right hip hit the concrete and my head hit a parked car. I don’t remember anything for a minute until I hear my husband’s voice calling my name, trying to lift me up under the armpits to help me stand and telling me to get into the car. 

I don’t know if I lost consciousness or not. I didn’t on the way down. But after I hit my head, I’m not sure.  I didn’t hit it hard. There wasn’t a bump or anything and I didn’t even get a head ache. 

It upset me a lot. I’ve never fallen during a panic attack or lost my vision completely. I’ll tell my doctor this month when I see her and see what she says. I don’t like that these are returning. I could have really hurt myself.