My daughter has her first “official” date this weekend as it is her high school homecoming. I had a very stressful high school career due to growing up in an alcoholic family. I was a extremely shy yet self-destructive teenager. Those years looked fun on the outside, but on the inside it was the most painful experience ever. Well, not ever, because I have experienced painful things that have equaled it since then. I have experienced many painful situations and emotional states lasting for days, weeks and months on end. My life in general is pain-filled; right now, physically as well. My migraines are out of control, and the increase in medication this month I was hopeful would work is not. I’ll have to call the doctor on Monday. I am very depressed about the pain I have from the migraines. It makes me think of killing myself to escape the pain.
Back to homecoming…my anxiety is through the roof because of it, but not because I am worried about her. Well, I am worried about her, but the PTSD anxiety is there because the homecoming brings back so many horrible memories for me. Years ago this happened when my kids went to a sports clinic put on by the high school when they were still in elementary school. When I walked them into that gymnasium, I almost threw up from panic. My therapist at the time said I just needed to acknowledge the feelings. She said they will always somewhat be there. The key was to integrate them. I forget what she meant by that now. Wish I could remember because it is obviously what I need to currently do.
I was up at 5am baking. It is what I seem to do when I am stressed. I am trying to stay in the moment and I am praying and doing my chores and taking care of my children. I did my daughter’s pedicure, I’ll take her to get her hair done tomorrow and to the park for pictures with her friends and date. I am functioning; going through the motions; not totally faking it, but not one hundred percent there either. I am in pain, physically and anxiety wise, but I can still live. It is not an either or proposition. It never was, is, or will be. My disease likes to tell me otherwise. I have to be wary of that. If you have mental illness, you might want to watch out for it, too.