Teenager Woes

Mood did get better after PMS passed. It seems this keto diet has enabled me to be better in tuned with what is going on with my body and emotions. I suppose because it is not all mucked up with sugar highs and lows. I like it a lot – to have a more cut and dry picture of what is happening inside of me. 

This week my daughter had a fight with her best friend.  When my daughter apologized, her friend said she still didn’t want to be friends anymore. I lost it. Not in front of my daughter but alone and then later in front of my husband and other daughter. It was like going through PTSD symptoms from last year when this happened with her other friends. I didn’t know how she was handling it because I only recieved a brief text about it while she was at school, but I was assuming the worst, which was my biggest mistake- assuming.

Turns out it didn’t devastate her as much as it did last year. In fact, I was taking it much harder than she. It bothered me so much that this girl wouldn’t work it out with her. They are very close friends, our families are friends and we see each other all of the time. I was full of anger, frustration and sadness all week, losing sleep and tears and temper, unbeknownst to my daughter, however.

I was also so angry because this friend was my daughter’s ride to school and now I had to rearrange my whole morning with my other kids to take her. It’s a huge inconvenience for both me and my other child who now has to sit at school 45 minutes before the bell rings.

Finally, last night, her friend made ammends for her part in the fued and they made up. I feel so relieved this morning. Less angry and stressed. Still sad because I know things are going to probably be different between them from now on since they’ve decided to spend less time together. 

She’s still not taking my daughter to school, which I think is incredibly selfish but what can I do.  I’m trying not to let it bother me but it’s hard. I keep reminding myself that it’s best for them to be apart and it’s selfish for me to want it the other way. It’s not about me. 

The Morning After

hangover-173669__180I surprised myself and ended up going out with the girls last night after all. I decided at the last-minute that it would be good for me to get out and socialize a bit. Plus, I wanted to be there to celebrate with my friend on her birthday. It made me feel good to do that.

Isn’t it interesting that all of our motives are selfish. Even when we think we are doing something nice for someone else, we get a good feeling for doing it, hence there is a little selfish motive to it, isn’t there?

Anyway, selfish or not, and for the most part, I am glad I went. Nothing is ever black or white, however. There were some fun moments, belly laughs; also, some awkward, wish I were at home in a cocoon type of moments. Most of them were the former, so I’m pretty happy with the whole experience….I think. And therein lies the problem: I start thinking –

Did I laugh too loud? Did I talk too much? Did I not talk enough to that one person? Did she think I was snobby? Did I sound stupid? Did I sound opinionated? Did I have bad breath? Was there something in my teeth? Was I over-dressed? Did they think I was weird? (I think I am weird, in a good, funny sort of way, but do they think I am weird in a bad, annoying way?)

I am assuming this is all part of my social anxiety again. So great that it not only plagues me before and during the said event, but I also have to listen to its ugly chants the morning after as well. I’m dealing with it as best as I can by telling myself that what is done is done. I can’t go back and change any of my behaviors; what they think they think – can’t change that either, so I need to just quit worrying about it.

The biggest problem, the root of the problem, the damn problem is that I care too much what people think of me. How to get over that I would love to know. Throw me some answers, people. I would love to hear them. I am sick of living this way.

Don’t get me wrong – many days are better than others. I sound like I have way worse self-esteem than I actually do. I just can’t stand it when people have a less than favorable opinion of me. Lol. Especially when it is people I love.

Guess it is that whole “fear of abandonment” thing that the professionals say those of us with borderline personality disorder have. Guess it is why I am such a perfectionist, why I am so hard on myself, why I beat myself up when I make a mistake, etc. etc.

I think I’ll get my DBT binder out and see what skills I could be using to deal with some of these feelings and fears. DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I went through a year of it about five years ago and it changed my life. My emotions are so much more manageable than they used to be, believe it or not.

But, like everything, experiences such as last night show me that they could use some fine tuning. And rather than sit here and just complain about it, I think I’ll go ahead and do something to change it.

Friends in Low Places

Yesterday at school my daughter’s former best friend returned some stuff she left at her house while her other former best friend looked on, smirking.  Of course this left my daughter with high anxiety throughout the rest of the day, although she has it anyway most days at school. I feel awful for the things she is going through, but have faith that better times are ahead for her.

We are looking into sending her to a private school next year where the general population is much smaller. Right now my daughter is in a high school with over 2100 students. The crowded hallways and lunch room cause her to have anxiety attacks. This has been going on long before the whole friend fall out.  The private schools we are looking at house less than 400 students. Big difference.

The problem, of course, is money. We can’t afford the tuition costs at all, but hopefully will qualify for financial aid. 

I know everything will work out for the best. If the private school route falls through we are going to see if we can switch her to a smaller school in the same district that has half the students.  Her psychiatrist will provide documentation regarding her anxiety disorder if we need justification to convince the district to let her transfer.

I’m debating on whether or not to be upfront with the private schools about her issues…wondering if they knew of her severe anxiety in such a large school if it would sway them to offer us more financial assistance.