I have a lot of free time during the day when the kids are at school. I usually spend it napping and doing chores. Sometimes I work on hobbies such as photography and writing projects. Very rarely do I watch television or a movie.
Most days I have trouble deciding what I want to do. I usually ask myself what I “should” do. Of course, “chores” is always my first answer to that question. Napping comes in as a quick second because I need a lot of rest to be able to handle the remainder of the day’s activities once everyone returns home for the evening. Hobbies tend to take up the least of my time. In fact, I often feel like they are a waste of my time because they don’t contribute to the good of others.
I tend to live my life that way – in service for others. Doesn’t sound too bad on the surface. However, when it is at the expense of doing things for myself, it can be a bit of a negative thing I suppose.
I recently spent some time learning how to use some new photo editing software I purchased by watching YouTube videos and loved it! I practiced my newly learned skills on some photos I took and was very pleased with the results. It felt really good to do this small thing for myself.
But, now I sit here, in the late morning, trying to decide what to do. I am not particularly tired, but want to take a nap for fear of being fatigued later on in the day. I could watch more videos on photography editing, but feel I am being unproductive with my time. Can we say NEGATIVE THINKING? How can I turn this around?
I might not be tired later if I don’t take a nap. I can’t predict the future. Even though I am not particularly tired now, I can still lay down and rest, and maybe I will end up falling asleep. If I don’t after a short time, I can just get back up.
I do not know what I will feel like doing after that, so I will wait to decide whether I will watch more videos or not. No matter what I decide, it will not be a waste of time, because learning is not a waste of time; it improves my skill as a photographer and allows me to better enjoy my hobby.
Feeling lost in the midst of making simple daily decisions is a normal thing for me. I suppose it is part of my mental illness (my anxiety disorder) or my guilt, shame and fear of doing something wrong or of not being able to control everything. It is exhausting! I will the Universe to change this about me.