Routine and Mental Illness

There are things I used to do that are good for my mental health that I no longer do; things I had forgotten I used to do. A major one is reading a daily reflection book. I used to do this every single morning when I sat outside and drank my first cup of coffee and smoked cigarettes. I don’t smoke anymore, so there’s that. It’s been almost a year now. Unbelievable!

I’m trying to focus on the positive: that they found my renal disease in an early stage where I am not sick; that no treatment or even diet changes are needed.  I’m so lucky to have found out so as to not cause more damage by continuing to take the Allieve. 

I’ve got to be grateful, something else I used to do routinely. This constant crying is exhausting and it has given me a migraine once already this week. I can’t risk anymore.

I know the emotions are ok; I know I have to feel them (God, do they feel awful!) I just don’t want to get stuck in them.  I don’t want this to trigger a depressive episode.

Three healthcare professionals (2 of them doctors) have told me in the last few months that I am on a lot of medicine. Well, I am, but by them pointing it out I feel like I shouldn’t be.  

Most of them are psych drugs, but I’m hesitant to say anything to my psychiatrist because I don’t want her to get defensive.

Three are migraine drugs, one of which I am going to ask to be taken off of because it does nothing, and another I am going to ask my nuerologist to decrease because a recent dose increase did nothing.

All of these things take time and lots of effort to get in touch with the doctors and wait for call backs and getting new meds from the pharmacy, and you never talk directly to the doctor, always the nurse-messengers, back and forth with all the messages.

And then there is the actual discontinuation symptoms or withdrawal symptoms of coming off of medications, which can be horrendous, and it always risks a mood episode, which is why I am so hesitant to do it in the first place.

I can’t risk a depressive mood episode.  I’ve got a life to live!  It’s why I, not routinely but religiously, take my meds when I am supposed to.

I think I’ll start with the two migraine meds and then see about the psych meds. I know I need some of each, but maybe not all. 

Mental and Physical Chaos

I saw my psychiatrist today and shared with her how I cycled recently through some hypomania (irritability, agitation, losing temper, grandiosity, excessive spending) and then dipped into some depressive symptoms (loss of interests in hobbies, crying for no reason, feeling overwhelmed with everyday things, excessive worrying about friends and family problems.)

She is not changing any medications, probably because I am still functional. I’m “suffering on the inside, but still able to function,” as she put it.

For how many of you is this true?  You struggle to make it through each day because of your mental illness symptoms, wondering if it will ever NOT be so challenging to live. 

I suppose those with physical disabilities feel the same way. A paraplegic can’t have an easy time getting up and ready each day, but he does it just the same. As do we. We are not unique. 

I found out today that I have something wrong with my kidneys. An ultrasound shows they are “thinning.” Being an otherwise physically healthy middle-aged adult  (minus the chronic migraine), I am not happy about this. The next step will be to see a Nephrologist to find out more.

In the meantime, my GP told me not to take allieve which is part of what I take for migraine relief.  WTF!  Ugh!