As you can see from my recent poem post, I had an excruciating migraine yesterday. It was so painful I had to fight suicidal urges. I cried and sobbed at the hours they rob me of each day I have one. I begged and screamed at a God, who won’t cure me of them.
I am feeling better today. It is gone, but the fear of the next one is constantly there. The increased dose of propranolol is causing me to get poor sleep which I think is what is triggering the migraines, which is ironic since the propranolol is what is supposed to be preventing them.
I have had more migraines than usual this month and the month’s not even over yet. I am not sure whether to wait another ten days when the propranolol’s dose is increased again or call my doctor now.
I’ve read the sleep problems are temporary. I have decided to cut my second Adderall dose from 10 mg to 5 mg to help me sleep. I was going to cut out my daily nap as well, but I was so tired this morning that I already failed that goal.
I have been doing the breathing meditation my doctor recommended for at least ten minutes a day for the last five out of six days, and it has helped me feel calmer and more compassionate toward others. That was a nice surprise.
Right now, I am just so traumatized by the migraine I had yesterday that I can’t seem to reach any sort of peace of mind. I feel like my husband thinks I am nuts because I got so upset and emotional about it last night, but I am really becoming hopeless.
I am thankful that even though it feels like I am dying and even though I want to die, at least I am not dying. That would not be a good thing for my family. I know they need me and want me around. It is why I am still here.