An End to Self-Bashing

I’m doing a self-improvement book study with a friend and one of the things I’ve identified that I need to work on is to cut down on the negative thoughts and comments I have about myself. 

We were talking today and I mentioned that one of the ways I continue to put myself down is to wish I was a better mom and wife for my family. She said that I am a great mom and wife. I replied that they deserved better than what I am capable of giving. 

We talked some more, and some unique perspectives were placed into my mind by her and by a higher wisdom that I find comes from being totally honest and vulnerable with someone about your fears and feelings.

First, I have decided that I give one hundred percent of myself to my family everyday. What that looks like may change day to day depending on my physical and mental health, but I never give up, slack off or not care about being there and doing for them. This is something I can feel really great about, and I do!

Second, while I may think they deserve better than what I can give, who’s to say that is what would be best for them. Obviously, God gave me to them, so who am I to question His plan. 

As long as I am trying my best, and continue to work on improving myself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, I can hold my head high.  And I will!

Lastly, I’ve come to realize that I often doubt myself and become anxiety ridden when I try to feel good about myself unless I get validation from others that they think I am “good” too.  The problem is that I am not assertive in asking for that validation. I merely assume others think the worst of me and then go on to put myself down as well. 

My friend said the best way to deal with this is to simply ask for validation so I can get the negative chatter out of my head.

So, for example, if I have a depressive day and can’t get out of bed, instead of assuming my husband wishes he was married to someone without mental illness, I will simply ask him, “Do you still want to be married to me even though I have a mental illness?”  I know he’ll say, yes, but the validation will stop the negative nagging thoughts in my head. 

I feel good about the progress I am making in this area. I’m tired of having low self-esteem. I want to feel good about myself. I want to show love and compassion to others as well as myself. I want to experience peace and joy as much as possible. Calm and serenity.  

I believe this all comes from within. The more I can resolve the inner conflict I have going on with myself the more comfort and ease I will feel.

I believe there is a goodness so strong inside all of us that abhors any self-destructive thought or behavior pattern so much so that it fights against it until we become uncomfortable enough to do something about it. 

I am glad I have finally reached a point to feel compelled to do something about it. I hope I can stick with it and make some permanant changes. 

Complete Mental Breakdown

I completely lost it last night. And I mean lost it. A couple a minor hiccups in my night on top of frayed nerves and me standing on the edge of insanity for the last 24 hours finally did me in. I’m talking violently throwing a full cup across the kitchen screaming and foaming at the mouth at my husband about how crazy and somewhat suicidal I am.

Luckily, the kids were not around. The older one heard some but not much I don’t think. As I helped him clean up my mess of red flavored water and broken glass, I just cried and cried the kind of cry where you can’t hardly breath. The silent kind where your whole body freezes and your mouth is just open, face in agonizing pain for what seems like eternity until you gasp for a breath like you’ve been under water for ten minutes. 

I went to my brother in law’s dad’s wake the night before and I think it took more of a toll on me than I realized. My husband said this to me today and I think he is right. I am some what of an empath, and being around people that I am so close to who are grieving would have detrimental affects on my mental stability. 

That coupled with the fact that I did some more research on this keto diet thing and come to find out it limits serotonin synthesis, so I’m stacking the cards against myself even more with my stupid diet, which I discontinued today, by the way. 

None of these things excuse my behavior last night, but they do help to explain it. I told my husband that I want to be able to handle all these things with all my being. I don’t want to have limitations because of my mental illness. I want to be normal and handle normal daily activities so badly. As badly as someone who has cancer doesn’t want cancer.  I want it so bad it hurts!  But, wanting it doesn’t make it so which sucks. 

I told him it got so bad this week that the next time he is sick I am going to hire someone from one of those caregiver services to run the kids to their activities and do the grocery shopping and all the things he does. I just can’t go through this again or put him through it again. It’s too awful. 

Too Busy to Stay Sane

I held onto the anger about my daughter’s friend not helping us out with rides for about 2 weeks. I just couldn’t let it go no matter how hard I tried. I asked my doctor if this trait was part of my bipolar and she said no, that my personality has OCD tendencies and gets fixated on things that will only get better with the passing of time. She’s right because I’m pretty much over it now. I still think they are crappy for leaving us out of the carpooling situation, but I’m not so mad anymore. 

Turns out I am being too hard on myself again. Way back when I journaled about not negatively judging myself so much and I did well with it for a short time, but I am back to doing it very harshly again and my self esteem is very low because of it. 

This has been a cruddy week because I haven’t had a chance to recover from being out of town for three days last weekend and I’ve had extra stuff to do plus my husband’s stuff to do because he’s been sick the last three days. I completely lost it today when he played the martyr card for being sick because he thought I was mad at him for being sick when I was really just being a bit crabby because I was stressed, which I told him I was stressed, so it’s not like I was expecting him to read my mind. He thought I was yelling at him. I was just crabbing.  But, when he accused me of yelling at him and said nastily he was sorry for being sick then I did start yelling at him. It wasn’t fun. 

I hate being stretched so thin. It makes me feel insane and so overwhelmed that I fantasize about suicide.  Crazy, but true.  Never would I do anything, but the thoughts are still there.  

Don’t have much going on tomorrow, so hoping for a day to rest up even though there are so many chores to do that have been neglected this week. Need three or four days of nothing to get back to healthy.  Not sure if that’s going to happen anytime soon. 

Teenager Woes

Mood did get better after PMS passed. It seems this keto diet has enabled me to be better in tuned with what is going on with my body and emotions. I suppose because it is not all mucked up with sugar highs and lows. I like it a lot – to have a more cut and dry picture of what is happening inside of me. 

This week my daughter had a fight with her best friend.  When my daughter apologized, her friend said she still didn’t want to be friends anymore. I lost it. Not in front of my daughter but alone and then later in front of my husband and other daughter. It was like going through PTSD symptoms from last year when this happened with her other friends. I didn’t know how she was handling it because I only recieved a brief text about it while she was at school, but I was assuming the worst, which was my biggest mistake- assuming.

Turns out it didn’t devastate her as much as it did last year. In fact, I was taking it much harder than she. It bothered me so much that this girl wouldn’t work it out with her. They are very close friends, our families are friends and we see each other all of the time. I was full of anger, frustration and sadness all week, losing sleep and tears and temper, unbeknownst to my daughter, however.

I was also so angry because this friend was my daughter’s ride to school and now I had to rearrange my whole morning with my other kids to take her. It’s a huge inconvenience for both me and my other child who now has to sit at school 45 minutes before the bell rings.

Finally, last night, her friend made ammends for her part in the fued and they made up. I feel so relieved this morning. Less angry and stressed. Still sad because I know things are going to probably be different between them from now on since they’ve decided to spend less time together. 

She’s still not taking my daughter to school, which I think is incredibly selfish but what can I do.  I’m trying not to let it bother me but it’s hard. I keep reminding myself that it’s best for them to be apart and it’s selfish for me to want it the other way. It’s not about me. 

Mood Change

I’ve been so tired this week, since Monday. It’s now Thursday. All I want to do is lay in bed. I feel depressed. Hoping it’s PMS but not sure. Don’t usually have it like this. Could it be the keto diet catching up with me?  Not sure. Haven’t felt this low in a while. Started taking Magnesium again.  Got ready yesterday morning and today and took each one out to breakfast and then visited with friends, so I guess I’m not that depressed yet. It just has me a bit worried. I’ll keep an eye on it. Just wanted it documented for memory’s sake. 

Stress: Diet, Daughter, and Me

I’ve been on this Low Carb High Fat diet for a week now, and I was wrong about it being hard due to the fact that I am, or was, addicted to sugar. I have been functioning fine without it. My mood hasn’t even been affected by it. In fact, I don’t feel hungry hardly at all. I’m really quite surprised. My husband is doing it with me so that helps out a lot. I’ve already lost 4-5 pounds which is mostly water weight but still fun to see.

Anxiety is high today, coming off a busy weekend of sports tournaments and chores and a video project yesterday and all day today. I seem to be stressed or full of tension every Monday from the weekend. Sucks. 

Daughter’s fair, but too busy helping out with boys vball after school while doing her own. Wears her down, but she enjoys it. I’m trying to help her find balance. She is resistant to my suggestions. No big surprise there.  

I’ve decided to not coddle her as much, and instead treat her more like a teenager without a fragile mental illness. I think I’ve been too afraid to set as many boundaries as I’ve wanted to for fear of stressing her out too much. But, it seems like when I do, it always goes better than I anticipated. 

I’m tired and I can’t turn my brain down. Thoughts are swirling like a tornado. I will try some guided meditation and hopefully fall asleep for a nap.

Many Changes

I stopped taking my magnesium pill last week because I ran out. I forget why I started taking it in the first place. I give it to my daughter, too. She ran out today.

I haven’t noticed any difference in myself except that I’m extremely impatient and agitated today.  I’m sure it’s from coming off of a busy weekend filled with overnight guests and no downtime for almost a week now. 

I saved some information on Pinterest about why I went on the magnesium. Several doctors have asked why we are on it and haven’t recommended it either way, but seem to always give me this perplexed look like, “Why are you taking that?”

I am kind of the type of person to try alternative things as long as I know they aren’t harmful. For example, I just bought a bunch of salt rock lamps. My daughter thinks I’m crazy. She doesn’t believe in any healing therapies. I can’t even get her to use a heating pad on her back injury like the doctor told her to use!

The neurologist increased my tizanidine from 4mg to 6mg today. Fingers crossed. He wants to take me off the propranolol eventually because he thinks I’m on too many medicines. I’m afraid it will increase my migraines again. I think we should try taking me off the topamax first. 

I’m agitated today, too, because of my weight.  I painstakingly lose ten pounds every spring only to gain it back every winter. My goal is to lose 20, which never happens. I count calories and basically starve for two months or so.

This year I’ve decided to try something different: a ketosis diet, which is a very little carbs, high fat, moderate protein type diet.  From what little I’ve read so far, putting your body in ketosis makes it burn fat for energy because you aren’t giving it the carbs and excess protein that it would normally convert to sugars to burn for energy, thereby leaving the fat alone.  Burning fat for energy equals quicker weight loss.

I’m nervous, like really nervous, about trying this because I know I am addicted to sugar. It’s going to be hard and my mood will be affected and that is what scares me the most. 

Has anyone ever tried this type of weight loss plan?  How did it work out for you?