Teenager Woes

Mood did get better after PMS passed. It seems this keto diet has enabled me to be better in tuned with what is going on with my body and emotions. I suppose because it is not all mucked up with sugar highs and lows. I like it a lot – to have a more cut and dry picture of what is happening inside of me. 

This week my daughter had a fight with her best friend.  When my daughter apologized, her friend said she still didn’t want to be friends anymore. I lost it. Not in front of my daughter but alone and then later in front of my husband and other daughter. It was like going through PTSD symptoms from last year when this happened with her other friends. I didn’t know how she was handling it because I only recieved a brief text about it while she was at school, but I was assuming the worst, which was my biggest mistake- assuming.

Turns out it didn’t devastate her as much as it did last year. In fact, I was taking it much harder than she. It bothered me so much that this girl wouldn’t work it out with her. They are very close friends, our families are friends and we see each other all of the time. I was full of anger, frustration and sadness all week, losing sleep and tears and temper, unbeknownst to my daughter, however.

I was also so angry because this friend was my daughter’s ride to school and now I had to rearrange my whole morning with my other kids to take her. It’s a huge inconvenience for both me and my other child who now has to sit at school 45 minutes before the bell rings.

Finally, last night, her friend made ammends for her part in the fued and they made up. I feel so relieved this morning. Less angry and stressed. Still sad because I know things are going to probably be different between them from now on since they’ve decided to spend less time together. 

She’s still not taking my daughter to school, which I think is incredibly selfish but what can I do.  I’m trying not to let it bother me but it’s hard. I keep reminding myself that it’s best for them to be apart and it’s selfish for me to want it the other way. It’s not about me. 

Mood Change

I’ve been so tired this week, since Monday. It’s now Thursday. All I want to do is lay in bed. I feel depressed. Hoping it’s PMS but not sure. Don’t usually have it like this. Could it be the keto diet catching up with me?  Not sure. Haven’t felt this low in a while. Started taking Magnesium again.  Got ready yesterday morning and today and took each one out to breakfast and then visited with friends, so I guess I’m not that depressed yet. It just has me a bit worried. I’ll keep an eye on it. Just wanted it documented for memory’s sake. 

Stress: Diet, Daughter, and Me

I’ve been on this Low Carb High Fat diet for a week now, and I was wrong about it being hard due to the fact that I am, or was, addicted to sugar. I have been functioning fine without it. My mood hasn’t even been affected by it. In fact, I don’t feel hungry hardly at all. I’m really quite surprised. My husband is doing it with me so that helps out a lot. I’ve already lost 4-5 pounds which is mostly water weight but still fun to see.

Anxiety is high today, coming off a busy weekend of sports tournaments and chores and a video project yesterday and all day today. I seem to be stressed or full of tension every Monday from the weekend. Sucks. 

Daughter’s fair, but too busy helping out with boys vball after school while doing her own. Wears her down, but she enjoys it. I’m trying to help her find balance. She is resistant to my suggestions. No big surprise there.  

I’ve decided to not coddle her as much, and instead treat her more like a teenager without a fragile mental illness. I think I’ve been too afraid to set as many boundaries as I’ve wanted to for fear of stressing her out too much. But, it seems like when I do, it always goes better than I anticipated. 

I’m tired and I can’t turn my brain down. Thoughts are swirling like a tornado. I will try some guided meditation and hopefully fall asleep for a nap.

Many Changes

I stopped taking my magnesium pill last week because I ran out. I forget why I started taking it in the first place. I give it to my daughter, too. She ran out today.

I haven’t noticed any difference in myself except that I’m extremely impatient and agitated today.  I’m sure it’s from coming off of a busy weekend filled with overnight guests and no downtime for almost a week now. 

I saved some information on Pinterest about why I went on the magnesium. Several doctors have asked why we are on it and haven’t recommended it either way, but seem to always give me this perplexed look like, “Why are you taking that?”

I am kind of the type of person to try alternative things as long as I know they aren’t harmful. For example, I just bought a bunch of salt rock lamps. My daughter thinks I’m crazy. She doesn’t believe in any healing therapies. I can’t even get her to use a heating pad on her back injury like the doctor told her to use!

The neurologist increased my tizanidine from 4mg to 6mg today. Fingers crossed. He wants to take me off the propranolol eventually because he thinks I’m on too many medicines. I’m afraid it will increase my migraines again. I think we should try taking me off the topamax first. 

I’m agitated today, too, because of my weight.  I painstakingly lose ten pounds every spring only to gain it back every winter. My goal is to lose 20, which never happens. I count calories and basically starve for two months or so.

This year I’ve decided to try something different: a ketosis diet, which is a very little carbs, high fat, moderate protein type diet.  From what little I’ve read so far, putting your body in ketosis makes it burn fat for energy because you aren’t giving it the carbs and excess protein that it would normally convert to sugars to burn for energy, thereby leaving the fat alone.  Burning fat for energy equals quicker weight loss.

I’m nervous, like really nervous, about trying this because I know I am addicted to sugar. It’s going to be hard and my mood will be affected and that is what scares me the most. 

Has anyone ever tried this type of weight loss plan?  How did it work out for you?

She Did Better Today

Because we compromised. She took a psuedo anti-anxiety pill (an antihistamine prescribed for her anxiety) which enabled her to sit with our company most of the morning. Then I allowed her to go out with friends for a few hours.

I also caught myself babying her like I normally do when she is anxious or depressed, and the last time she had a depressive episode she told us she hated it. She said it made her not want to tell us what is going on because then we treat her different and she can’t stand it. 

Thank God I realized it because I don’t think she was going to say anything to me. She was just getting more and more agitated and I couldn’t understand why until I remembered. 

I said, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m treating you like baby. I forgot. I’ll stop.”

I saw instant relief come across her face. I’ll have to tell her to just say something to me next time. Those motherly, nurturing instincts are hard to fight. They just kick in automatically before I realize what I am doing. (Sigh).  

I think a lot of it has to do with my tone of voice.  I’ll talk to her like she’s fragile and has special privileges. I think it makes her feel uncomfortable because she has low self esteem and probably thinks she doesn’t deserve it.

Or maybe she doesn’t like it because she is strong willed and doesn’t like to feel weak, and me talking sickeningly gentle to her makes her feel that way. 

Or maybe she just wants to be treated the same so as to continue to feel as normal as possible when her mental health is anything but.

I know one thing and that is it is counterproductive for me to sit here and assume possible motives for why she doesn’t want me to treat her different when she’s depressed or anxious, so I guess I’ll stop trying to figure it out.

Anyway, she did say at one point that she doesn’t like it because it makes her feel like a baby. I suppose that reason makes sense enough.

Yet, all I want to do is give her a big ol’ hug, tear up and say, “But you are my baby!”

Medication Increase Helping and Daughter Update

I think the increase from 30-40mg of Viibryd two weeks ago is helping me cope better with stress. I seem to still feel the stress and the anger and sadness but I don’t feel the need to act on it in negative ways anymore.

I am able to handle it calmly and with purpose and deliberate actions, like setting boundaries and practicing breathing meditation or simply not engaging.  I have not been perfect by any means. Passive aggressiveness has occurred. Some crying over little things. But, overall some good changes. 

My daughter’s depression has let up these last few weeks. We think because the weather has gotten warmer. She really is affected by it. Four weeks of depression from cold dreary winter days.  And now two weeks of mild weather and all better. Amazing!

We have a house full of overnight guests and she is not doing well. Her anxiety is high and it is hard for me to handle, because my own is elevated.

So, dealing with her tears and her wanting to leave the house, which I won’t let her do because I think it’s rude to go out with friends when we have company, while dealing with all the stimuli of the company myself, is pushing me to my limits.

I’m not taking it out on her by using everything I’ve got in me. I didn’t take an anti-anxiety pill tonight. I definitely will tomorrow. I know it will help.  I wish she could take one, too, but they don’t prescribe them for kids. 

Update to Doctor

I told her today about the 4 panic attacks (church, bakery, after the dealership, and grocery store); about the kidney disease stuff, crying all the time, the decrease in propranolol and subsequent double in frequency of migraine; constant worry about the next migraine or panic attack and worry about daughter’s depression.

Hardest thing is the intensity of my anger and sadness. It’s so extreme at times it frightens me. I see red over a minor irritation. A misunderstanding does not just upset me, it leaves me in tears, lamenting like someone has died!

She said with the loss that comes from yet another diagnosis, and because of that my migraines increasing and those not being resolved yet, plus my daughter plus my age and its hormonal changes…this is why I am feeling what I am feeling.  Like crap I say?  Yes!

She told me to increase my Viibryd from 30mg to 40mg a day.  I would rather have a bottle of wine and a pack of cigs, but don’t tell my AA sponsor. 😉