Update to Doctor

I told her today about the 4 panic attacks (church, bakery, after the dealership, and grocery store); about the kidney disease stuff, crying all the time, the decrease in propranolol and subsequent double in frequency of migraine; constant worry about the next migraine or panic attack and worry about daughter’s depression.

Hardest thing is the intensity of my anger and sadness. It’s so extreme at times it frightens me. I see red over a minor irritation. A misunderstanding does not just upset me, it leaves me in tears, lamenting like someone has died!

She said with the loss that comes from yet another diagnosis, and because of that my migraines increasing and those not being resolved yet, plus my daughter plus my age and its hormonal changes…this is why I am feeling what I am feeling.  Like crap I say?  Yes!

She told me to increase my Viibryd from 30mg to 40mg a day.  I would rather have a bottle of wine and a pack of cigs, but don’t tell my AA sponsor. 😉

Accomplishments When You Have Mental Illness

I went into major self pity mode last night; feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile in the last decade, since it’s been close to that long since I worked outside the home due to my disabilities of mental illness and migraine.

Now I just found out I have stage 3 chronic renal disease. I thought being sick meant I haven’t contributed anything.

Then I realized I’ve done some pretty fantastic stuff in that time. I have half and more than half way raised two beautiful children. I am a good mom to them. I really am.

I am proud of the choices I have made in my life to be healthier and happier for me and for them, even though at the time they weren’t really choices, but rock bottoms with no way out but up.

I could choose on any day to go back to those destructive ways, but I don’t. That says something, but nothing that I could explain to say, an old highschool friend who I haven’t seen in ten years, who may ask me what I’ve been up to all this time. 

I couldn’t tell her about all that I’ve been through and accomplished in real life to stay sober or to stay alive; all the mood swings managed, the medication changes dealt with, the physical pain endured, the panic attacks suffered through, the doctors appointments attended, and the therapy sessions completed.

And then there is all the mental health articles and stories on mental illness I have penned under psuedonyms over the years; the hundreds of poems or the chapbooks I’ve authored, again under a psuedonym; the volunteer work I’ve done online to help those in need, hidden behind a screen name to protect my anonymity from prying eyes, and the people I have helped in real life whose anonymity I have to maintain because it is one of the main principles of the program.  No, I couldn’t tell her all of these things. 

I would have to respond with something like, “Oh, not much.  Just staying home with the kids,” which doesn’t sound like much, but it is. It is a lot…with so much more. 

Addiction-less

You’re ripped from me
like nicotine after
ten missed cigarettes.

It’s better this way, in the long run;
the hammer will pound less,
the cock-fighting will cease.

But how will I find the sunset
on the horizon while I sip
my cocktail on the beach?