Post Vacation Pains

We’ve been back for two days now and I’ve had three days in a row of migraines. Not one continuous one, but three separate ones. One each day for the past three days.  I’m guessing from the busy week of vacation activities.

We did so many adventurous things. We had so much fun and made so many great memories. If this is the price to pay, I must say it is worth it, but still sucks. 

I’m staying home today from a social event because it would not be worth the price of another migraine. Don’t know if not going will prevent one from happening, but I know going will increase the likelihood of it. 

The allusion of control is all around me and I fall victim to it every second of my life. Reality is that I have no control over anything except in my attitude towards what happens to me.  I feel very powerless over everything in my life.

I go to the doctor, take all the medicines, go to therapy and I still have mental illness and mood swings and debilitating anxiety. 

I try to figure out and avoid my migraine triggers, I take the medicine they tell me to take, I call the insurance company to get this new medicine again and again and they won’t do their part to get it approved as I continue to suffer with migraines week after week, year after year.  Six years now. Since 2011 I have been searching for permanent relief. 

I have many good things which are not due to anything in my control other than to get up everyday and try. Like my relationships with family and friends. They are all wonderful and loving.

I get up everyday and try with the illnesses too, but I do not have success with those things like I do with the relationships. Why is that?  I have control over neither.

What I do have control over is my level of acceptance of my illnesses. It is extremely hard to come to a state of acceptance when I am in the midst of a painful migraine, but I must or I turn to thoughts of suicide. I must accept it as my reality and not fight it. I must lay still and just “be” like an animal in the wild would. 

There is nothing that can be done after the medicine is taken.  Nothing that can be said that will lessen the pain. I just have to wait for it to go away in the way that a bruise fades over time.

Knowing that it will come back is not something I dwell on anymore. It doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. I still hope for my cure. I will always hope. 

Daughter is going to be braced at night for her scoliosis and receive scoliosis-specific physical therapy once a week. If her curvature increases much more she will need surgery.  We missed a well visit last year because of taking her to specialists for various other issues, so I am dealing with some guilt over catching the scoliosis possibly later than we could have. 

Other daughter is testing the limits of being a teenager who drives. Lieing, etc.  It is stressful, but I am guessing normal. I’m just glad her mental health is well at the moment and that she is doing well socially and emotionally, or so it appears. 

Overall, my mood is fair. Anxiety is moderate to high. I feel like I don’t have a good sense of who I am or where I am at. I don’t feel grounded at all probably due to all the worrying which has me all over the place in my head all of the time. 

Probably time for me to redouble my meditation efforts to try and clear my head space. I do a lot of distracting and avoiding behaviors, which work fine. Until they don’t. Which seems to be happening now. 

Meds and Hypomania Problems

Went back up to my regular dose of resperidal just a few day after cutting it down because I wasn’t sleeping well since cutting it down. I think I’m titrated back up to my full dose of topamax again, but I’m still having trouble sleeping at night. Falling asleep and sleeping sound. 

I’ve also been more project oriented and socially focused, enjoying sex more frequently, have a renewed interest in my religion practices.  Ha!  Now that I wrote all that out I just realized I’m probably a little hypomanic. 

This is why I write. I never would have put these symptoms together if I didn’t journal like this. Now, what to do about it?  Nothing.  I never do. My medication is such that my moods don’t go too far in one direction or another anymore. Just moderate fluctuations, which are bothersome, don’t get me wrong, but manageable, nonetheless.

Today, I feel run down. Meloncholy even. I DID get a good night’s sleep for once last night and it’s left me feeling groggy and lethargic and some what depressed. It doesn’t help that this is the third day my kids have been out of town with their grandparents and are still going to be gone for two more days. I miss them.

My youngest was just diagnosed with scoliosis and that is very worrisome. We will find out more as far as a plan goes when we go see the Ortho this week. I hate that she has to go through this. The curvatures are pretty bad in her spine. 

The noisy kids in church, the heat outside, the bright sun and hot wind all really bothered me today. It feels like I can’t block out extraneous stimuli. My husband is going shopping to buy new items for our house and I want to go with him, but I can’t stand the thought of going out into the world with all of that input today. 

I hate this disorder. All I want to do is lay in bed in my dark quiet room and rest. I can find peace in that. And even though I’d rather it not be that way, I have to honor my body and mind and what they can handle right now or I’ll just make myself sick. I know from experience. I used to force myself to do things I was too anxious to deal with and I regretted it later.  Sick with migraines, fatigue, anger, resentment, panic attacks, etc.

Not today.

Back on the Topamax

Had 6 migraines in May as opposed to 2 in April, so my doctor told me to start taking the Topamax again. Hoping it doesn’t mess with my mood like when I first started it. It made me really short-tempered.

I am on my third night of not sleeping well. Keep waking up throughout the night and waking up extra early in the morning and not able to fall back asleep since cutting down on resperidal. Trying to decide if I should give it some more time for my body to adjust.  

I feel like I’ll never get off these meds, like I am dependent on them. How do I know if the symptoms are returning because I need the medication or if it is just a temporary result of coming off of the med?  How long do I wait it out and do I risk triggering a mood episode because of it?