I completely lost it last night. And I mean lost it. A couple a minor hiccups in my night on top of frayed nerves and me standing on the edge of insanity for the last 24 hours finally did me in. I’m talking violently throwing a full cup across the kitchen screaming and foaming at the mouth at my husband about how crazy and somewhat suicidal I am.
Luckily, the kids were not around. The older one heard some but not much I don’t think. As I helped him clean up my mess of red flavored water and broken glass, I just cried and cried the kind of cry where you can’t hardly breath. The silent kind where your whole body freezes and your mouth is just open, face in agonizing pain for what seems like eternity until you gasp for a breath like you’ve been under water for ten minutes.
I went to my brother in law’s dad’s wake the night before and I think it took more of a toll on me than I realized. My husband said this to me today and I think he is right. I am some what of an empath, and being around people that I am so close to who are grieving would have detrimental affects on my mental stability.
That coupled with the fact that I did some more research on this keto diet thing and come to find out it limits serotonin synthesis, so I’m stacking the cards against myself even more with my stupid diet, which I discontinued today, by the way.
None of these things excuse my behavior last night, but they do help to explain it. I told my husband that I want to be able to handle all these things with all my being. I don’t want to have limitations because of my mental illness. I want to be normal and handle normal daily activities so badly. As badly as someone who has cancer doesn’t want cancer. I want it so bad it hurts! But, wanting it doesn’t make it so which sucks.
I told him it got so bad this week that the next time he is sick I am going to hire someone from one of those caregiver services to run the kids to their activities and do the grocery shopping and all the things he does. I just can’t go through this again or put him through it again. It’s too awful.