Too Busy to Stay Sane

I held onto the anger about my daughter’s friend not helping us out with rides for about 2 weeks. I just couldn’t let it go no matter how hard I tried. I asked my doctor if this trait was part of my bipolar and she said no, that my personality has OCD tendencies and gets fixated on things that will only get better with the passing of time. She’s right because I’m pretty much over it now. I still think they are crappy for leaving us out of the carpooling situation, but I’m not so mad anymore. 

Turns out I am being too hard on myself again. Way back when I journaled about not negatively judging myself so much and I did well with it for a short time, but I am back to doing it very harshly again and my self esteem is very low because of it. 

This has been a cruddy week because I haven’t had a chance to recover from being out of town for three days last weekend and I’ve had extra stuff to do plus my husband’s stuff to do because he’s been sick the last three days. I completely lost it today when he played the martyr card for being sick because he thought I was mad at him for being sick when I was really just being a bit crabby because I was stressed, which I told him I was stressed, so it’s not like I was expecting him to read my mind. He thought I was yelling at him. I was just crabbing.  But, when he accused me of yelling at him and said nastily he was sorry for being sick then I did start yelling at him. It wasn’t fun. 

I hate being stretched so thin. It makes me feel insane and so overwhelmed that I fantasize about suicide.  Crazy, but true.  Never would I do anything, but the thoughts are still there.  

Don’t have much going on tomorrow, so hoping for a day to rest up even though there are so many chores to do that have been neglected this week. Need three or four days of nothing to get back to healthy.  Not sure if that’s going to happen anytime soon. 

Teenager Woes

Mood did get better after PMS passed. It seems this keto diet has enabled me to be better in tuned with what is going on with my body and emotions. I suppose because it is not all mucked up with sugar highs and lows. I like it a lot – to have a more cut and dry picture of what is happening inside of me. 

This week my daughter had a fight with her best friend.  When my daughter apologized, her friend said she still didn’t want to be friends anymore. I lost it. Not in front of my daughter but alone and then later in front of my husband and other daughter. It was like going through PTSD symptoms from last year when this happened with her other friends. I didn’t know how she was handling it because I only recieved a brief text about it while she was at school, but I was assuming the worst, which was my biggest mistake- assuming.

Turns out it didn’t devastate her as much as it did last year. In fact, I was taking it much harder than she. It bothered me so much that this girl wouldn’t work it out with her. They are very close friends, our families are friends and we see each other all of the time. I was full of anger, frustration and sadness all week, losing sleep and tears and temper, unbeknownst to my daughter, however.

I was also so angry because this friend was my daughter’s ride to school and now I had to rearrange my whole morning with my other kids to take her. It’s a huge inconvenience for both me and my other child who now has to sit at school 45 minutes before the bell rings.

Finally, last night, her friend made ammends for her part in the fued and they made up. I feel so relieved this morning. Less angry and stressed. Still sad because I know things are going to probably be different between them from now on since they’ve decided to spend less time together. 

She’s still not taking my daughter to school, which I think is incredibly selfish but what can I do.  I’m trying not to let it bother me but it’s hard. I keep reminding myself that it’s best for them to be apart and it’s selfish for me to want it the other way. It’s not about me. 

Mood Change

I’ve been so tired this week, since Monday. It’s now Thursday. All I want to do is lay in bed. I feel depressed. Hoping it’s PMS but not sure. Don’t usually have it like this. Could it be the keto diet catching up with me?  Not sure. Haven’t felt this low in a while. Started taking Magnesium again.  Got ready yesterday morning and today and took each one out to breakfast and then visited with friends, so I guess I’m not that depressed yet. It just has me a bit worried. I’ll keep an eye on it. Just wanted it documented for memory’s sake. 

Stress: Diet, Daughter, and Me

I’ve been on this Low Carb High Fat diet for a week now, and I was wrong about it being hard due to the fact that I am, or was, addicted to sugar. I have been functioning fine without it. My mood hasn’t even been affected by it. In fact, I don’t feel hungry hardly at all. I’m really quite surprised. My husband is doing it with me so that helps out a lot. I’ve already lost 4-5 pounds which is mostly water weight but still fun to see.

Anxiety is high today, coming off a busy weekend of sports tournaments and chores and a video project yesterday and all day today. I seem to be stressed or full of tension every Monday from the weekend. Sucks. 

Daughter’s fair, but too busy helping out with boys vball after school while doing her own. Wears her down, but she enjoys it. I’m trying to help her find balance. She is resistant to my suggestions. No big surprise there.  

I’ve decided to not coddle her as much, and instead treat her more like a teenager without a fragile mental illness. I think I’ve been too afraid to set as many boundaries as I’ve wanted to for fear of stressing her out too much. But, it seems like when I do, it always goes better than I anticipated. 

I’m tired and I can’t turn my brain down. Thoughts are swirling like a tornado. I will try some guided meditation and hopefully fall asleep for a nap.