I am by nature a highly sensitive person. Feeling emotions strongly. Expressing them intensely. Yelling and cursing. Sobbing and lamenting. I never seem to feel exaggerated positive emotions however. Mostly anger and fear, which are really the same thing. And sadness.
The anxiety. Panic attacks – the return of them is new, recent, worrisome. Two in December (one in church and one in bakery.) And one in January in the grocery store. It’s another emotion that has become out of control.
I have a hard time holding in the expressing of these emotions, especially the anger. Little impulse control. I blame the bipolar disorder. This all has been going on since October now. Four months.
I give into the crying completely. It mostly comes from fear as well. Fear of losing relationships. Happens after fighting with husband or daughter. Fear of abandonment.
Anxiety – fear. Crying – fear. Anger – fear. Why is my life run by fear and how can I get rid of it?
Something keeps telling me to go back to counseling, but I’m so hesitant. Fear. Fear it won’t help. Fear I don’t really need it. Fear of not finding the right therapist and me wasting my money. Fear it will be a waste of time because things will just get better on their own. Fear that all I need is a medication adjustment.
Mostly fear it won’t help or that it’s not needed. That I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’m invalidating myself. I see that. I hear it.
I have a lot of fear. That is just a fact. It is causing me excessive anxiety, panic attacks, anger, sadness, and crying spells.
I will tell my doctor about it next week and get her opinion on what to do. It’s insane for me to suffer with these symptoms without trying to do something to get rid of them.
Enough is enough.