Many Changes

I stopped taking my magnesium pill last week because I ran out. I forget why I started taking it in the first place. I give it to my daughter, too. She ran out today.

I haven’t noticed any difference in myself except that I’m extremely impatient and agitated today.  I’m sure it’s from coming off of a busy weekend filled with overnight guests and no downtime for almost a week now. 

I saved some information on Pinterest about why I went on the magnesium. Several doctors have asked why we are on it and haven’t recommended it either way, but seem to always give me this perplexed look like, “Why are you taking that?”

I am kind of the type of person to try alternative things as long as I know they aren’t harmful. For example, I just bought a bunch of salt rock lamps. My daughter thinks I’m crazy. She doesn’t believe in any healing therapies. I can’t even get her to use a heating pad on her back injury like the doctor told her to use!

The neurologist increased my tizanidine from 4mg to 6mg today. Fingers crossed. He wants to take me off the propranolol eventually because he thinks I’m on too many medicines. I’m afraid it will increase my migraines again. I think we should try taking me off the topamax first. 

I’m agitated today, too, because of my weight.  I painstakingly lose ten pounds every spring only to gain it back every winter. My goal is to lose 20, which never happens. I count calories and basically starve for two months or so.

This year I’ve decided to try something different: a ketosis diet, which is a very little carbs, high fat, moderate protein type diet.  From what little I’ve read so far, putting your body in ketosis makes it burn fat for energy because you aren’t giving it the carbs and excess protein that it would normally convert to sugars to burn for energy, thereby leaving the fat alone.  Burning fat for energy equals quicker weight loss.

I’m nervous, like really nervous, about trying this because I know I am addicted to sugar. It’s going to be hard and my mood will be affected and that is what scares me the most. 

Has anyone ever tried this type of weight loss plan?  How did it work out for you?

She Did Better Today

Because we compromised. She took a psuedo anti-anxiety pill (an antihistamine prescribed for her anxiety) which enabled her to sit with our company most of the morning. Then I allowed her to go out with friends for a few hours.

I also caught myself babying her like I normally do when she is anxious or depressed, and the last time she had a depressive episode she told us she hated it. She said it made her not want to tell us what is going on because then we treat her different and she can’t stand it. 

Thank God I realized it because I don’t think she was going to say anything to me. She was just getting more and more agitated and I couldn’t understand why until I remembered. 

I said, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m treating you like baby. I forgot. I’ll stop.”

I saw instant relief come across her face. I’ll have to tell her to just say something to me next time. Those motherly, nurturing instincts are hard to fight. They just kick in automatically before I realize what I am doing. (Sigh).  

I think a lot of it has to do with my tone of voice.  I’ll talk to her like she’s fragile and has special privileges. I think it makes her feel uncomfortable because she has low self esteem and probably thinks she doesn’t deserve it.

Or maybe she doesn’t like it because she is strong willed and doesn’t like to feel weak, and me talking sickeningly gentle to her makes her feel that way. 

Or maybe she just wants to be treated the same so as to continue to feel as normal as possible when her mental health is anything but.

I know one thing and that is it is counterproductive for me to sit here and assume possible motives for why she doesn’t want me to treat her different when she’s depressed or anxious, so I guess I’ll stop trying to figure it out.

Anyway, she did say at one point that she doesn’t like it because it makes her feel like a baby. I suppose that reason makes sense enough.

Yet, all I want to do is give her a big ol’ hug, tear up and say, “But you are my baby!”

Medication Increase Helping and Daughter Update

I think the increase from 30-40mg of Viibryd two weeks ago is helping me cope better with stress. I seem to still feel the stress and the anger and sadness but I don’t feel the need to act on it in negative ways anymore.

I am able to handle it calmly and with purpose and deliberate actions, like setting boundaries and practicing breathing meditation or simply not engaging.  I have not been perfect by any means. Passive aggressiveness has occurred. Some crying over little things. But, overall some good changes. 

My daughter’s depression has let up these last few weeks. We think because the weather has gotten warmer. She really is affected by it. Four weeks of depression from cold dreary winter days.  And now two weeks of mild weather and all better. Amazing!

We have a house full of overnight guests and she is not doing well. Her anxiety is high and it is hard for me to handle, because my own is elevated.

So, dealing with her tears and her wanting to leave the house, which I won’t let her do because I think it’s rude to go out with friends when we have company, while dealing with all the stimuli of the company myself, is pushing me to my limits.

I’m not taking it out on her by using everything I’ve got in me. I didn’t take an anti-anxiety pill tonight. I definitely will tomorrow. I know it will help.  I wish she could take one, too, but they don’t prescribe them for kids. 

Update to Doctor

I told her today about the 4 panic attacks (church, bakery, after the dealership, and grocery store); about the kidney disease stuff, crying all the time, the decrease in propranolol and subsequent double in frequency of migraine; constant worry about the next migraine or panic attack and worry about daughter’s depression.

Hardest thing is the intensity of my anger and sadness. It’s so extreme at times it frightens me. I see red over a minor irritation. A misunderstanding does not just upset me, it leaves me in tears, lamenting like someone has died!

She said with the loss that comes from yet another diagnosis, and because of that my migraines increasing and those not being resolved yet, plus my daughter plus my age and its hormonal changes…this is why I am feeling what I am feeling.  Like crap I say?  Yes!

She told me to increase my Viibryd from 30mg to 40mg a day.  I would rather have a bottle of wine and a pack of cigs, but don’t tell my AA sponsor. 😉

Fear – Enough is Enough

I am by nature a highly sensitive person. Feeling emotions strongly.  Expressing them intensely.  Yelling and cursing.  Sobbing and lamenting.  I never seem to feel exaggerated positive emotions however. Mostly anger and fear, which are really the same thing. And sadness.

The anxiety. Panic attacks – the return of them is new, recent, worrisome.  Two in December (one in church and one in bakery.) And one in January in the grocery store. It’s another emotion that has become out of control. 

I have a hard time holding in the expressing of these emotions, especially the anger. Little impulse control. I blame the bipolar disorder.  This all has been going on since October now.  Four months. 

I give into the crying completely. It mostly comes from fear as well. Fear of losing relationships. Happens after fighting with husband or daughter. Fear of abandonment. 

Anxiety – fear.  Crying – fear.  Anger – fear.  Why is my life run by fear and how can I get rid of it?

Something keeps telling me to go back to counseling, but I’m so hesitant. Fear. Fear it won’t help. Fear I don’t really need it. Fear of not finding the right therapist and me wasting my money. Fear it will be a waste of time because things will just get better on their own. Fear that all I need is a medication adjustment. 

Mostly fear it won’t help or that it’s not needed. That I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I’m invalidating myself. I see that. I hear it. 

I have a lot of fear. That is just a fact. It is causing me excessive anxiety, panic attacks, anger, sadness, and crying spells.

I will tell my doctor about it next week and get her opinion on what to do. It’s insane for me to suffer with these symptoms without trying to do something to get rid of them.  

Enough is enough.

Worst Panic Attack Ever

Last weekend I was at a crowded sports tournament for 10 hours then came home and went to a crowded grocery store with my husband.  By the time we got to the last isle my panic attack started. Racing heart. Difficulty breathing. Tunnel vision.

People were flying by me with carts every where. I felt like I couldn’t stay out of the way. I thought I was going to die. I smashed my self up against the freezer case, face first, and I think, closed my eyes even. I must have looked like a lunatic. 

By the time we checked out, bagged up, and got out into the parking lot I felt as though I wasn’t breathing at all and my vision started to black over. I felt my eyes close and my feet cross over one another as I was walking toward the car.  I leaned to the right and caught my balance. 

I forced my eyes open and again blackness came over and then I felt my legs give out on me. I went down, felt my right hip hit the concrete and my head hit a parked car. I don’t remember anything for a minute until I hear my husband’s voice calling my name, trying to lift me up under the armpits to help me stand and telling me to get into the car. 

I don’t know if I lost consciousness or not. I didn’t on the way down. But after I hit my head, I’m not sure.  I didn’t hit it hard. There wasn’t a bump or anything and I didn’t even get a head ache. 

It upset me a lot. I’ve never fallen during a panic attack or lost my vision completely. I’ll tell my doctor this month when I see her and see what she says. I don’t like that these are returning. I could have really hurt myself.