The Next Step

It’s been a busy last two weeks getting ready for Christmas, and now it is over. I feel the let down already. Is the usual winter depression on its way?  We shall see.

Right now, I’m thinking too keenly about what is coming up next: my first appointment with a kidney specialist.  I don’t know where this is going or what I am going to find out. I don’t know what I have or how bad it is. I really don’t want to go. I want to forget about knowing there is something wrong with my kidneys. I want everything to be alright again.

I never remember feeling this way about mental illness. It seems like there has always been something wrong with me emotionally and mentally.  But, I do remember being scared with each new mental illness diagnosis I got (major depressive disorder, alcoholism, bipolar disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder.)

I remember thinking the same things I am thinking now: I don’t know where this is going, what I am going to find out or how bad it is.

With all those diagnoses, I have made it through those questions, and now manage my illnesses fairly well.  So, this gives me hope that once I have the information I need to manage whatever is wrong with my kidneys, all will be well with that, too.

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