There’s a lot of confusion in my brain when it comes to my behaviors, because depending on my mood state my behaviors change considerably. For example, right now, and for the last four days or so, I have been rather hyper and talkative and gossipy, opinionated, controlling, passive aggressive, and argumentative. I’m normally somewhat controlling and I gossip sometimes, but not to this extreme.
I am working on Step 6 with one of my AA sponsees, and I thought maybe I should probably work it myself on some of the aforementioned character defects. But, are they true character defects or are they symptoms of some hypomania?
It fucking drives me crazy trying to distinguish between the two. I keep trying to tell myself to stop doing these things and then a minute later I am compelled to do them again. It is like I can’t stop myself by sheer will power.
How can I improve my character if my character isn’t even the problem. But, then again, what if it is? Or is it my bipolar? How do I know?
Just to be on the safe side, I’ve decided to reread a book I have, called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has some awesome communication tips that I think will make me feel a whole lot better if I am able to follow them. (See #1 below.)
I just got to get out of this mouth-running, ego trip, complaining, controlling, perfectionist, high and mighty state of mind. It makes me feel guilty for talking about people in a negative manner. It makes me feel shameful in front of the people with whom I am gossiping. I beat myself up over it, often berating myself with negative internal dialogue, which I am not supposed to do. My doctor warned it can trigger depression in me. I feel remorse after I do it, too. Guilt, shame, and remorse – not fun.
I’ve been having a hard time communicating properly with my family as well, being passive-aggressive or yelling aggressively. Always apologizing, and again beating myself over it afterwards. I think Agreement #3 will help me a lot in dealing with my family from here on out.
This all stops now. If not the behaviors totally then the negative internally dialogue for sure. I can use Agreement #4 as my mantra to combat the times I start to beat myself up for slipping.
Wish me luck.