I had a major bout of self-hatred last night after a minor incident of road rage. When dropping my daughter and her friends off at school another driver was going against the flow of the approved traffic route set up by the school, which blocked my way for a few seconds.
As I waited for him to get out of the way I gave him the death stare and said over and over again, “You are going the wrong way. You are going the wrong way.” I started fumbling with my window to roll it down so I could maybe yell at him as we passed when I heard my daughter say, “Mom, just stop.”
As soon as she said that, I literally felt myself being sucked out of this kind of time warp vacuum where everything was standing still and I was in a silenced tunnel with just me and this guy, moving in slow motion like in a movie or something. When she said my name, and I turned to look at her, all the sights and sounds of my environment came flooding back into my awareness.
It was really freaky to realize how focused and close to a black out state I get with my rage sometimes. Is this part of bipolar? I can’t imagine that “normal” people get mad to this extreme over something so minor. The thing I was mad about wasn’t that he was blocking my way, but that he wasn’t following the rules.
I would say that people who don’t follow the rules is my biggest pet peeve, but it is so much more than a pet peeve. It is more than nails on a chalk board. It is more than torturous. It has got to be one of the worse things out there for me and I don’t know why it bothers me so much.
When people think they are above the rules or the law, or more important than everyone else by cutting in line, parking illegally, etc. to save time, it enrages me. The unfairness of it all is too much for me to comprehend, and I am one to say something rather than to keep quiet.
I wish I could keep my mouth shut because I embarrass my children and I hate that. I want to learn to let things go more; to not let these things bother me so much. If only I understood why they bother me so much to begin with I might be able to resolve it.
I get just as angry, if not more, when the unfairness happens to someone else as well, not just me, even if that someone else is a stranger. It’s crazy. It drives me crazy. I need to just live and let live.
I am not sure how to get out of this self-judging mode. It is what I am supposed to be working on – not judging myself so harshly. I suppose I didn’t roll down my window and yell at him, so it’s ok. I hate that my daughter had to snap me out of it, and that I made her uncomfortable and I am sure scared.
That is what makes me hate myself – because I scared her I am sure. My anger always does, because I yell when I get angry and she’s told me many times she doesn’t like it when I yell. It upsets her. (Sigh.) I’ll just keep trying.