A little over a month ago, my psychiatrist challenged me to closely monitor my negative self-talk because she suspected it was playing a role in my mood instability more so than the chemical imbalances in my brain at this point, which she feels is under control by medication. I agreed to go along with her little experiment, and so far, there is some definite evidence that my mood changes are not idiopathic. In other words, they don’t just happen for no reason.
I had a good few weeks of stability from mid to late September. This was right after she told me to watch my thinking, so I was being very diligent with it. The last part of September, I went into a hypomanic phase for a few days, and I link it to the stress and excitement of my daughter’s homecoming activities.
During homecoming weekend, I had a very difficult time due to some complex PTSD issues from my past that it brought to the surface. I wrote about it some here. I didn’t do well processing my feelings and had multiple migraines and GI issues. A depressive state ensued.
I recovered from that after about a week. Then I had a medication changed which I believe is now triggering another minor depressive phase.
I have outlined all of these ups and downs in the chart below.
The medication change is causing me to get less sleep, therefore, I am experiencing an increase in irritability, lack of focus, poor concentration, poor memory, decreased motivation, and increased negative thinking, which is what my doctor really warned me about. I have to fight the negative thinking with everything I’ve got because it will only perpetuate the depression.
When I made lunch the other day for friends and my recipes were less than excellent, I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter; that mediocre was acceptable; that they didn’t come for the food, but for the company, except I didn’t even give them that. I spent too much time in the kitchen preparing the meal. The next time I will store-buy items instead of making everything from scratch.
I am so tired of trying to be perfect even though at the time I truly think I am enjoying it. Afterwards, however, upon further reflection, I think I am just avoiding the social interaction by being busy in the kitchen, and trying to impress them with my cooking. Such an ego-filling goal. No wonder it leaves me feeling empty and incomplete (and depressed.)
I went back to taking my higher dose of hydroxyzine last night, so hopefully I will not be as tired from here on out and the depression will lift. Time will tell. I will continue to track it.
It feels good to have a clear picture of my mood shifts of late and the possible reasons for them. I feel less like a victim to them when I understand the possible causes for them. Writing about my life as often as I do here is the only way I could have gleaned the information I did to put the two and two together, so I am grateful to my doctor for inspiring me to do so.
I think the mood chart will be a good tool to print out and take to my next doctor visit. Since I see her every six weeks, it will be a good snapshot to show her how things have been going for me since our last visit.