Because of her mental illness and her overall highly sensitive and strong-willed nature, we (my husband and I) tend to have a hard time saying no to her. We, of course, do not have a problem disciplining her when necessary, but she is a bit spoiled when it comes to materialistic things, and she is rarely kept from doing activities she wants to do even when it involves us driving her all over the place. We will say no if it is excessive or too far or too late, however.
I have noticed that we do have an easier time saying no to her younger sibling with these things. I don’t know if it is because we think she is less fragile or not as apt to become as agitated when refused. I would give it about a twenty-five to seventy-five percent split between the two, respectively.
Overall, saying no to my daughter with the mental illnesses hasn’t been a problem for me until this past week. I am starting to slide down into a bit of a depression. As a result, I am having a hard time keeping up with her and her sister’s requests – things like going to the store for a school supply, Halloween costume shopping, stopping for lunch, attending sporting events, and the latest one, which really irritated me because she hounded me about it for two days, uploading some pictures for her from my camera to her email.
I just didn’t feel up to doing it because I like to edit them first and that takes time. She said I didn’t have to edit them, but the perfectionist in me couldn’t bring myself to send them without editing them because I knew she’d be posting them on the internet. Wow! I really have some work to do on letting things go, my ego, and not worrying about what other people think, don’t I?
On the upside, I am learning to edit pretty well at top speed, which will help me if I ever become a professional photographer, which is my fantasy goal. I think my migraines and mental illness will keep me from that goal for a long time. Maybe someday it will happen long after the kids are out of the house.
But I digress…
Codependency has been described as “a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity.” I am afraid I do this with my role as a mom. Since not being able to work outside the home anymore because of my mental illnesses, I have convinced myself that my purpose or “job” is to be mom, but in all reality if I was still working outside the home, I would still have to be mom too.
I know I definitely don’t feel like just Jessica. I feel like “mom” or “wife” but not “me.” The me I was before I go married was not one I liked. I was very self-destructive and immoral. The me I was before that me was the childhood me. The me in recovery, the healthiest me, the me now, didn’t begin until I was well into motherhood.
How do I find out who the me is underneath the weight of this motherhood identity? I need the answer to this question. I think it may hold the key to much joy.