I surprised myself and ended up going out with the girls last night after all. I decided at the last-minute that it would be good for me to get out and socialize a bit. Plus, I wanted to be there to celebrate with my friend on her birthday. It made me feel good to do that.
Isn’t it interesting that all of our motives are selfish. Even when we think we are doing something nice for someone else, we get a good feeling for doing it, hence there is a little selfish motive to it, isn’t there?
Anyway, selfish or not, and for the most part, I am glad I went. Nothing is ever black or white, however. There were some fun moments, belly laughs; also, some awkward, wish I were at home in a cocoon type of moments. Most of them were the former, so I’m pretty happy with the whole experience….I think. And therein lies the problem: I start thinking –
Did I laugh too loud? Did I talk too much? Did I not talk enough to that one person? Did she think I was snobby? Did I sound stupid? Did I sound opinionated? Did I have bad breath? Was there something in my teeth? Was I over-dressed? Did they think I was weird? (I think I am weird, in a good, funny sort of way, but do they think I am weird in a bad, annoying way?)
I am assuming this is all part of my social anxiety again. So great that it not only plagues me before and during the said event, but I also have to listen to its ugly chants the morning after as well. I’m dealing with it as best as I can by telling myself that what is done is done. I can’t go back and change any of my behaviors; what they think they think – can’t change that either, so I need to just quit worrying about it.
The biggest problem, the root of the problem, the damn problem is that I care too much what people think of me. How to get over that I would love to know. Throw me some answers, people. I would love to hear them. I am sick of living this way.
Don’t get me wrong – many days are better than others. I sound like I have way worse self-esteem than I actually do. I just can’t stand it when people have a less than favorable opinion of me. Lol. Especially when it is people I love.
Guess it is that whole “fear of abandonment” thing that the professionals say those of us with borderline personality disorder have. Guess it is why I am such a perfectionist, why I am so hard on myself, why I beat myself up when I make a mistake, etc. etc.
I think I’ll get my DBT binder out and see what skills I could be using to deal with some of these feelings and fears. DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I went through a year of it about five years ago and it changed my life. My emotions are so much more manageable than they used to be, believe it or not.
But, like everything, experiences such as last night show me that they could use some fine tuning. And rather than sit here and just complain about it, I think I’ll go ahead and do something to change it.