Choice is a Luxury

Seahorse memories
flood the ocean floor
on this, the day,
you died of depression.

Some say you
had a choice
like if you wanted
fries with that,
or not.

Choice is a luxury of the sane.

You no more chose this
than your blue eyes.

Nature is an ass-biting bitch,
and powerful,
especially over a mind
that has left;

a “not in their right mind”
kind of mind.

You didn’t do anything.
This happened to you,
but you know all of this already,
don’t you?

Medication Yay! Medication Boo!

So, it appears my tiny increase in Viibryd last month was to credit for my release from depression’s grip.  However, it is now tipping me into hypomania.  Oh, the joys of bipolar disorder!  I am now to take the increased part of the dose every other day rather than every day.

My anxiety is forever the same, unlike what I reported in my last post, which was that I thought it was better.  As activities return to our daily schedule, I feel anxiety’s tentacles invading my mind, injecting me with fear.

Also, the Ativan I take during times of extreme anxiety to keep me from having panic attacks is not working all of the time now.  My doctor and I are to reevaluate this problem at my next visit.

I realized today that in the eight years since my first mental break down, I have not gone more than eight weeks without seeing my psychiatrist.  My symptoms fluctuate and my medications have to be tweaked, if not changed, that often.

I have bipolar type II, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD), although I no longer meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, thanks to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

Bipolar Ups and Downs Plus Anxiety

By mid May, my hypomania had completely fizzled out, and a sequence of events began that triggered my generalized anxiety disorder, which, in turn, triggered a depressive episode. Anxiety and depression symptoms included body aches and pains, difficulty falling asleep at night, a panic attack, inability to focus, racing thoughts, GI issues, migraines, irritability, social isolation, and suicidal thoughts.

My doctor increased the dosage on two of my medications four weeks ago, one which improved my ability to sleep immediately. I’m not sure if the other did anything. Many of my anxiety and depression symptoms seem to be gone this week only, but I think that is because I finally have a week of nothing stressful going on.

The last three weeks have been very busy and hard on me mentally because I have had a lot of commitments to fulfill outside of my home. It’s only when I can stay at home and do my chores and take care of the kids and relax that I feel at ease.

So, since the spring, my mood has been up-up, then down, and now, it is up a bit again. However, I am hesitant to bank on it staying up if I get busy again, which will be happening in about a month when the kids go back to school.

I am not going to dwell on that now, though. For now, I am going to enjoy my semi-normal mood and be thankful for it.

My daughter is doing well, also. She still has anxiety, but not like before. She is very functional and seems to be enjoying her summer with friends. She is nervous about starting her new school next month, but that is to be expected. Of course, she is more anxious than the average person would be. Her doctor upped her medication a month ago. I’m not sure if it has made a difference for her anxiety or not. I think she said it was the same. We go back to see him soon, so I am going to see what she says to him.