It’s in the How We Say Things

Teenage perception is looking through someone else’s glasses while driving

or getting dressed in front
of a fun house mirror
after riding the Tilt a Whirl
ten times in a row.

Screaming on a roller coaster is cool;
not so much at home
unless
you want to be the topic of therapy

while minions play space invaders inside your head and
needles show up in wierd places
like

under your finger nails and pinning
your eye lids open.

Eventually the pain subsides and
your able to grab a rope
and some friends

and go play double Dutch.

Normal Anxiety

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My daughter’s new medication has greatly reduced the anger and irritability she was experiencing from coming off of the old medication. She came off the old medication in order to see if the new one helps relieve her anxiety more effectively.

So far, it has only been four weeks on the new medication. At this point we know it is working at least as well as the old one, but we don’t know yet if it is working better. Still keeping our fingers crossed. I am just so relieved she is no longer a raging bear anymore!

She said that even though she still has her “normal” amounts of anxiety, life is going good for her. I was so happy to hear her say this I had to hold back my tears.

I stopped smoking 3 months ago and went into a depression a month after I quit. So my doctor adjusted my Adderall from one XR dose to two short acting doses per day. It has mostly relieved my symptoms. I still have a down day or two a week but mostly I am up.

So, basically I guess you could say I am cycling, which kind of sucks in itself because it brings on a lot of irritability, but it is definitely better than being depressed full time.

My anxiety is the same as it has been since last fall when I started Viibryd, which is the best it’s been in years. But that’s not saying a lot because I can’t do things like grocery shop because of my anxiety. I also have to take an Ativan for any major social events or out of town trips. And sometimes I get anxiety attacks at home by myself for no apparent reason at all.

When I take an Ativan in preparation for an event and feel the effects of it take over I can’t believe how “normal” I feel. Only then do I realize how much anxiety I was actually having.

My doctor doesn’t want to increase the Viibryd because it could cause me to cycle more since I have Bipolar. So, while life is relatively good right now, for both me and my daughter, we still have our “normal anxiety” that we have to deal with. It looks like mine is here to stay. However, there is still hope for her. I pray she finds relief.

Darkest Before the Dawn

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I hate clichés but I wanted to use this title because I’m praying for dawn soon. After a full year of trying varying doses of different medications, my daughter started yet another one last night to try to get some relief from her agonizing anxiety disorder.

Before starting the new medication, however, she had to wean off of a different one first which caused much dizziness, light-headedness, nausea, severe irritability and of course, increased anxiety.

I feel so awful for her; to have to go through this, especially at her young age of only 15 years old. She’s such a strong person, and definitely a survivor, just like all of us who have mental illnesses.

I am happy to report that she has healed greatly from the fall-out with her best friends at the end of last year. They are still estranged, but she is managing well and has made some new friends.

Also, she will be going to a smaller, private school next year which will place her in a less anxiety-producing environment just insofar as the crowd, noise, and overall stimuli goes.

Believe it or not I am managing fine through it all, other than I worry about her all of the time. With a lot of self-care, good coping skills, and a healthy support system, my mental health has remained within normal limits. Yay!

Although, truth be told, it is springtime here and I am starting to get a little hypomanic which is typical for me during this time of year. The projects have begun, the lack of sleep is coming, and I can feel the irritability skirting around the edges of my moods.

I seem to only write poetry when I am depressed, which is why I haven’t posted any poems in while. It may be a while more since I am becoming hypomanic now. Don’t give up on me. I have bipolar. The depression will return. 😉