A Mother’s Lament

I’m not writing a poem today, but more of a journal entry, for I need a space to tell you about the horrible pain my daughter has been going through for the past two months.

She is in the midst of a depressive episode, and on top of that she had a falling out with her best friend, who happens to be the leader of the high school clique of which my daughter was a part. Thus, my daughter lost her other best friend along with the rest of her support system. No one is talking to her, inviting her anywhere, acknowledging her presence.

It has been the most awful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. We took these two friends on week long vacations with our family just this past summer. They were a part of our lives, ate meals at our home, slept over, spent days at our house! How they can be so cold and uncaring is beyond my comprehension.

I have fallen to my knees in utter despair, choking with sobs and tears, begging God to help my daughter find new friends; praying for Him to relieve her suffering.

She is experiencing extreme amounts of anxiety at school, understandable so since she has classes with these girls. She calls or texts me almost everyday from the bathroom at school, crying, emotionally breaking down. My husband or I have to take her and pick her up from school everyday because the bus is too overwhelming for her. The crowds in the hallways and in the cafeteria cause her to have panic attacks.

Of course at this point, even if the girls wanted to reconcile my daughter wants nothing to do with them. All trust has been destroyed. The pain is too great for her to get past.

She is currently on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. I am taking her to the psychiatrist today to discuss the anxiety issues. She also sees a counselor once a week.

I know I am doing everything within my power to help her. I just can’t believe this is happening sometimes. It is bad enough that she has to deal with mental illness, but then to throw this whole friends crap in on top of it seems like the cruelest thing the f’ing universe could do to her. I just don’t understand it!

The main best friend is making some questionable lifestyle choices, so I am choosing to believe that God is saving my daughter from some future harm. I have no other choice but to trust in the events that are unfolding before us no matter how unbearable they feel in the moment. I must believe that better friends are in her future. I just wish they were here already so that her suffering could end.

Although, she does have opportunities to nurture friendships with some friends outside her original circle, but is choosing not to at the moment. I think she is just too overwhelmed, too shut-down. I suppose she needs to heal before she can move on to starting new friendships; before she can learn to trust people again.

Such hard lessons for someone so young. I am monitoring how this is affecting my own mental health since I, too, suffer from bipolar depression and severe anxiety. I seem to be responding appropriately. Of course I am sad, worried, and upset; trying to keep the homicidal fantasies toward these former friends of hers out of my head!

Bottom line is I have to be strong. I have to be there for my daughter. She needs me. She depends on me. I pray the doctor can do something for her anxiety today.

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