It’s a screaming spiral decent
in black atmosphere
on a steel slide

Feeling each horizontal seam
scrape your side
the whole way down

After riding your Schwinn
in the sunshine
only yesterday.

Nought may endure.

Trickles of Light

Trickles of light
Slither under the door
Into the blackened room

Where breath is shallow
But sighs are deep
And a heart heavily flutters.

Hope is a seedling
In Rocky soil,
Tended by the Master Gardener.

Winter will soon depart
And she shall rise
As if on the third day.

Friends in Low Places

Yesterday at school my daughter’s former best friend returned some stuff she left at her house while her other former best friend looked on, smirking.  Of course this left my daughter with high anxiety throughout the rest of the day, although she has it anyway most days at school. I feel awful for the things she is going through, but have faith that better times are ahead for her.

We are looking into sending her to a private school next year where the general population is much smaller. Right now my daughter is in a high school with over 2100 students. The crowded hallways and lunch room cause her to have anxiety attacks. This has been going on long before the whole friend fall out.  The private schools we are looking at house less than 400 students. Big difference.

The problem, of course, is money. We can’t afford the tuition costs at all, but hopefully will qualify for financial aid. 

I know everything will work out for the best. If the private school route falls through we are going to see if we can switch her to a smaller school in the same district that has half the students.  Her psychiatrist will provide documentation regarding her anxiety disorder if we need justification to convince the district to let her transfer.

I’m debating on whether or not to be upfront with the private schools about her issues…wondering if they knew of her severe anxiety in such a large school if it would sway them to offer us more financial assistance.

A Mother’s Lament

I’m not writing a poem today, but more of a journal entry, for I need a space to tell you about the horrible pain my daughter has been going through for the past two months.

She is in the midst of a depressive episode, and on top of that she had a falling out with her best friend, who happens to be the leader of the high school clique of which my daughter was a part. Thus, my daughter lost her other best friend along with the rest of her support system. No one is talking to her, inviting her anywhere, acknowledging her presence.

It has been the most awful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. We took these two friends on week long vacations with our family just this past summer. They were a part of our lives, ate meals at our home, slept over, spent days at our house! How they can be so cold and uncaring is beyond my comprehension.

I have fallen to my knees in utter despair, choking with sobs and tears, begging God to help my daughter find new friends; praying for Him to relieve her suffering.

She is experiencing extreme amounts of anxiety at school, understandable so since she has classes with these girls. She calls or texts me almost everyday from the bathroom at school, crying, emotionally breaking down. My husband or I have to take her and pick her up from school everyday because the bus is too overwhelming for her. The crowds in the hallways and in the cafeteria cause her to have panic attacks.

Of course at this point, even if the girls wanted to reconcile my daughter wants nothing to do with them. All trust has been destroyed. The pain is too great for her to get past.

She is currently on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. I am taking her to the psychiatrist today to discuss the anxiety issues. She also sees a counselor once a week.

I know I am doing everything within my power to help her. I just can’t believe this is happening sometimes. It is bad enough that she has to deal with mental illness, but then to throw this whole friends crap in on top of it seems like the cruelest thing the f’ing universe could do to her. I just don’t understand it!

The main best friend is making some questionable lifestyle choices, so I am choosing to believe that God is saving my daughter from some future harm. I have no other choice but to trust in the events that are unfolding before us no matter how unbearable they feel in the moment. I must believe that better friends are in her future. I just wish they were here already so that her suffering could end.

Although, she does have opportunities to nurture friendships with some friends outside her original circle, but is choosing not to at the moment. I think she is just too overwhelmed, too shut-down. I suppose she needs to heal before she can move on to starting new friendships; before she can learn to trust people again.

Such hard lessons for someone so young. I am monitoring how this is affecting my own mental health since I, too, suffer from bipolar depression and severe anxiety. I seem to be responding appropriately. Of course I am sad, worried, and upset; trying to keep the homicidal fantasies toward these former friends of hers out of my head!

Bottom line is I have to be strong. I have to be there for my daughter. She needs me. She depends on me. I pray the doctor can do something for her anxiety today.